I’ve got you where you’re vulnerable

OK, now that I have your attention, here’s how it’s going to work.

I know shit — you can read that either way — and I’m going to write about what I know and wonder about. We’ll have regular communication, and you’ll be safe as long as you keep reading and responding. Ignore me at your own risk.

You may discuss my ransom notes with family and friends, but do not call the authorities. I won’t have anyone policing me or telling me what I should or shouldn’t think, what I should or shouldn’t write about.

Do not be offended by occasional profanity, or we’ll have problems.

If you have no spiritual side, you’d best buckle up, because I’m likely to hit you upside the head.

If you have no compassion or sentimentality, I feel sorry for you.

If you have no sense of humor or humility, you’d best find some. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you have no business laughing at anyone else.

Now then, I’ve got you by the balls, unless, of course, you’re a eunuch or have only one testicle, in which case I’ve got you by the shorts, unless you go commando, in which case I know your hole cards in Texas Hold ‘Em. If you’re a woman, you might read that I’ve got you by the short hairs, unless you shave down there, in which case I’ve hidden one of your shoes.

More of what I know and wonder about will be revealed in future communications.

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